Remedies For The Single Black Woman

Posted by The Marksman on July 15, 2010 · Leave a Comment

We are posting another great article by Greg Dragon, in society today the discussion constantly turns to black women being single and not being able to find a mate. For anyone that is single, the ability to find a mate rests with you. Here is some wisdom from the dragon.

I seem to come across articles daily bemoaning the plight of the single black female, no not women of color but black women specifically. I will say this to you black women, you aren’t the only ones that are sick and tired of reading these statistics and blog fodder so don’t feel like it’s the world against you. One of the reason these articles are so hot for journalists is because it inspires immediate emotion and bitterness from the accused. Hell go to any blog about the subject and hear the echoes of how sh-tty us black men are and how you all need to start looking elsewhere. Well the dragon is here to help you move on and break the stereotype. Unlike other blogs who wish to highlight the problem and air out your dirty laundry, we offer you suggestions and solutions, from the viewpoint of a black male.

One thing that I keep on hearing from black women when I get cornered in a give-and-go about why we aren’t sh-t is either “I am done with black men” or “as soon as y’all get successful you go find a Becky”. We laugh these things off but you don’t realize 2 important things. One, you immediately appear unattractive, lacking of hope and ridiculous to us, as soon as we hear those magical words we lose all empathy to your plight. Two, we take offense immediately to it because more times than none, the man you are saying this to is not guilty of these things but feels the generalization as an attack. That being said, how does spewing this rhetoric help your situation out at all? What answer would you want from saying these things? Exactly, it is a stupid thing to say and if you are guilty of uttering either phrase you may want to quit.

Broaden your Dating Horizons
In the dating pool you really need to stop being defensive and look at it objectively. If a guy doesn’t find you attractive, or wants you only to help him get to a point in his career, then why would you want him? If all the “hell ya girl” crooners or fellow friends echoing the black men ain’t sh-t angle are all similarly single and upset about being single then you need to see it for what it is. You are trying to find an excuse for your position through negativity, rather than working on it. If you are so upset at being single that you verbalize it to friends and blogs then why aren’t you working on it? Have you tried online dating? Do you take the time to try new things so that you can meet new people? Probably not, let’s be honest here, pushing in the same dives and digs, the same circles and the same pattern should rarely if ever produce different results. Half of you women lean on “the hook-up” as a way to get dated, if you are a regular here, you know how I feel about hook-ups. They are not an ideal form of meeting a guy, unless you think that you’re the ultimate catch.

A State of Entitlement is a State of Loneliness
When a person, man or woman has a huge unrealistic list of “must-haves” for a potential mate then they ought not be surprised that they stay single. You do not deserve a man with money, you do not deserve a man with higher education, you do not deserve him “treating you like a queen” and you do not deserve him “being cool, and knowing how to dress”. Step back and look at your pre-requisites a bit, tons of GOOD GUYS do not have all of these qualities compiled together, hell you should be happy to have at least two. Perfect guys are few and far between and I would have to see your portfolio, both physical and asset-wise in order to see if you even DESERVE a guy with all of these elements. We have standards too, give us the benefit of the doubt.

I have known friends who wanted a Nia Long, she gotta be fine, smart, blah, blah, blah and they were always alone. Now bear with me because I am about to sound like an ass in saying this but it is common knowledge that this type of behavior comes from inexperience and a good chance that he has never been intimate (that way) with a woman. Guys who carry on like this usually do a 180 when they have finally found their way to some booty one way or another. All of a sudden they are dating all the time, the girls may look a little like Nia Long but only their haircut. For outsiders it’s normally an indication that dude finally got laid – ask any man about this situation and they will tell you the same. Unrealistic expectations only come when you have little to no experience with your intended mate.

So that being said, a lot of the women with all of these “must-haves” have never, ever had a guy who has it going on like that. If they did they would probably not be ideal for him because they may not be as sophisticated as they think, and just because you want something doesn’t mean that you can handle it. Can you handle an intelligent guy and the quirky humor he may have that comes with it (the two travel hand in hand). Can you handle a workaholic, focused and driven man – the price of that success you so desperately mandate? Can you deal with him being a slave to his Blackberry, working late hours, (gasp) choosing to work over hanging with you and your girls next Saturday? Can you handle a cool guy who comes off as a flirt due to his social prowess? Think deeply on it and get back to me, realistically, a guy who has it all is classified as “too perfect” or “too much”. I have heard that complaint from women also. And you wonder why we run the other way when you start rifling off your “must-have” list to us.

Break your Patterns
Here is a general and I reiterate GENERAL observance on black women that I have in my life or have had in my life, in terms of patterns. Open-mindedness is a serious obstacle in the dating pool, it is a wonder that the black women I have had meaningful relationships with have been of the quirky, unique, artistic set. The standard girl will not be willing to:

try exotic foods
travel in an airplane to different places
sing karaoke
kiss in public
post up at a Bar
etc., etc.

Open your mind a bit, get out of the “typical” and you will appear exciting and fresh to any man, yes ANY man. You know what I find tired and boring? If I can read you a mile away and when you get close the assumptions are all true, that is boring, it isn’t sexy and it works against you.

Criticisms should not always be met by a counter-criticism
I swear every discussion or argument on the SBF topic always gets derailed back to what is wrong with black men. We have our share of issues, trust me we do in a MAJOR way, but if we are discussing you, why not offer enlightenment versus volleying back the negativity? Those kind of arguments will lead the intelligent portion of the accused to clam up and get quiet, rather than offering help. What happens next is a bunch of loud, yelling people who lack the aptitude to even listen, screaming down each other and nothing is taken away from it all.

Nobody likes a Hater
I’ve dated women who had to say negative things about other couples (especially if they are interracial), negative things about other women, whether they look better or worse and negative things about celebrities. The negativity may seem harmless to you or even your cute way of picking at folks, but to a lot of us you are a negative person. I am sure a lot of the fellas can relate, if you are a woman that does this, please slow it down a tad when expressing it to your date. While positive Polly may seem like the type of girl to bore us, more times than none we would select her over your hating ass.

In terms of Racial Preference few of us have a Type
Don’t let Tiger fool you (sorry Tiger, I need the SEO hit bro you understand) – many of us just love women. Women period, background be damned, the majority of black men are not out to champion the race through breeding pure black babies. That is just a fact , a lot of us just want to have someone who has our back and is cute to look at. While media stereotypes, loser friends and impressionable choices may play a hand in our choice, chances are if we dig you, we dig you and the race portion only matters to a few select guys who dwell on that.

So there you have it, being defensive is a reaction, it isn’t a call to attention or a path to a solution. Good BM are everywhere and as single as you are but they aren’t in those typical digs that you frequent in search of them. Some are in the karaoke bar, the sushi bar or the Bar period. Others are on the red-eye to their job in another state, you’re just going to have to step out of your comfort zone so that we can see you.

- Greg Dragon

Cross Posted from www.HallofTheBlackDragon.com