Friend of The Hall Antonio Maurice Daniels wrote an excellent piece about the other end of the coin – people who blindly take relationship advice from one or many sources. The article is called Bombarded with Relationship Advice (please give it a thorough read – he is an excellent writer) and it talks about the popularity of advice giving even from people with questionable track records. As you recall Basement inmate Steve Harvey has been going through hell recently as one of his ex-wives broadcast a bunch of YouTUBE videos calling him out for being a habitual cheater and all-around bastard. The elected black-woman relationship expert now seems even more a hypocrite after penning his bestselling book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man”. Now suddenly women who swore  by his words are hopping off of his gravy train faster than a Vanilla Ice fan back when he was exposed for being a fake.

I made some lengthy commentary on Antonio’s post and based on Dragon Blog Tip 01 – it was long enough to be it’s own post so I thought I should share my opinion on relationship advice with my readers:

Greg Dragon on being bombarded by Relationship Advice:

Very good article and although I fall into the category of someone who gives relationship advice to others, I do try and preface my advice by letting the readers know that this comes from personal experience. The same argument to “not taking advice from strangers” can be applied to “not discounting good advice from strangers” because ultimately it boils down to what an individual chooses to consume. I feel that a man who is in a position where I was a few years ago could use my guidance based on experience, that same advice will not bide well with someone who isn’t in that position and holds a different belief structure as my own.

We all have to filter what comes into our minds, this goes for all levels of media, from books to television. Nothing is completely wrong, it’s all about what you take from it. The girlfriend telling a woman to leave a man could be giving good advice if the man is a habitual cheater that can and will eventually bring back an STD or worse to his lady. The single guy telling the desperate loser to assert himself and stop being afraid of beautiful women is more qualified (in my opinion) than the married guy advising him to go to church and join a single’s meeting. The problem comes about when we put the advice-givers on a podium, and take their every word as law. Even Steve Harvey had some good points in his book but people inflated those points and ascended him to a level where the ignorant will think that the book is a bible on getting a man.

Finally: People NEED relationship advice, we aren’t islands. Every guy I know that does well by their girls have tugged someone’s sleeve, watched and emulated a movie or read a book that influenced their behavior or reaction to things. Most people just don’t “figure it out”, that’s blog fantasy – the bottom line to any advice is: Get it, process it and then decide whether to accept it.

How do you feel about relationship advice? Has any of it ever helped you? The worst advice I have ever received was from a wolf telling me to call all women bitches… ya that actually happened -___- I can imagine the type of man I would’ve turned into had I followed that advice.

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Last time you checked you were not an ATM machine.  Why does your friend keeps looking to you to pick up the tab?  “Hey man I am a little short today!”, or even worse is the fact that they ordered food they did not have enough money to pay for.  It is easy and quite common to find yourself in a tough spot when it comes to dealing with friends and money.  There are several ways to control these situations as they present themselves, you can be an asshole about it, or you can lend your friend the money and watch it continue to happen.  Here are several ways you can deal with the situation effectively.

When you have friends who may be tight on money they do not always reveal that information to  you, but most of the time you can tell.  This is typically the friend who misses out on all the cool stuff the group does because they are financially strapped, on many occasions they will make excuses as to why they can not participate.  You can leave this friend home and continue having fun with your other friends and tell them all about it later, but if that approach does not work for you there are others.  Pick some activities that do not cost a lot of money that you know your cash strapped friend can keep up with from a financial standpoint, you can always eat at a cheap restaurant and  playing video games with buddies costs almost nothing.  The best part about the second approach is that your friend saves face as they can comfortably participate and money was not an issue.

We all have different types of friends, but some are bolder than others when it comes to asking for money.  We have all been there, it is one of your good friends birthdays and to celebrate you take in an expensive steak house.  The check comes and your friend over indulged and asks can you pick up part of his bill, he will “get it back to you” when he gets paid.  You could have prevented it from getting to this point, you saw that your friend has just been introduced to the word Ala Carte.  You heard him order a steak with two sides (he must think he is at Outback).  You had several ways to deal with the situation, you can lean over and tell your friend that each side costs $15 and is meant for two, or you can let him get sticker shock when the check comes and it’s over $100 for his portion.  If you want to help your friend out, offer to share your side of mashed potatoes with him.  You can take it a step further and suggest it to multiple people at the table, that way there are plenty of sides to go around and your cash strapped friend can save the $30 he did not need to spend.

Many people in this situation will do things to get by until they figure out a way out of their financial strife, or they run themselves into financial ruin.  You can not let it affect your life, offer some advice on how they can improve their financial situation.  Do not get too involved though, if a friend asks you to do a budget for him or help him manage his money give him an emphatic no.  Offer to look at the budget they came up with themselves, and give them a few critiques.  If someone is unable to sit down and make a budget on their own, then how can they ever be expected to stick to it for the long haul?

The reason  you can not get too involved is because loaning money to a pal puts a huge strain on your friendship, not to mention your wallet. So, make this your mantra: If you can’t afford to lose money, you can’t afford to lend it.  Your friend may be on a first name basis at the paycheck advance place, and there is nothing you can do except tell them why it is a bad idea.  They are going to do what they feel is right for them even if it is a bad decision, because if they can not get the money that way they will borrow it from you.

But the most annoying is when they nickle and dime you almost as if you will not notice the slow drain from  your wallet.  You go out to eat, movies, a drink from the corner store, and you even cover them on the fast food run, all with promises that they will pay you back.  You notice after the $5 and $10 loans have accrued you have loaned out hundreds of dollars over months even years, and the good for nothing has not even raise a finger to pay you back.  This is when you either cut them off completely and do not loan them money for anything, or worse yet you start to distance yourself from  your friend.  Tough love has to come in somewhere otherwise the cycle will continue, you have to show that you are not the ATM machine of the group.  That might not fix your friends money issues, but at least it will help them to deal with their problems or find another person to bum a dollar off of.

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So your friend is getting married, and you look down at your finger and nope there is still no ring there.  Wait you are totally happy for her, right?  Apparently this situation has brought out some feelings of envy, self-doubt, and fears about whether you’ll ever find the right guy as well.  You have never felt this way before, and are now in foreign territory with your feelings.  Here is how to deal with all those conflicting emotions.

Face it your girl is getting hitched, and it is perfectly normal to be a little bit jealous.  It would not be normal if you did not envy your friend a little for being a bride before you.  Provided that is what you want for yourself.  The root of jealousy is fear, much like everything else in this world we fear what we do not know.  What are you fearful of, is it that your friendship with her will change as her life evolves, or that you will never have your chance to be a bride?  You have to remember she is your friend first and foremost, and being jealous of her can ruin a friendship.  Your day will come soon enough just be patient.

The key is to not beat yourself up because your friend became a bride first.  Once you get stuck in a downward spiral of self-doubt, where you question why you have not met Mr. Right it is tough to dig your way out. Negative thoughts such as these lead to negative attitudes and resentment starts to build up.  All of a sudden you find yourself bad mouthing your friend, and telling anyone that will listen how their marriage is going to fail.  Keep your thoughts positive and you can avoid falling into this mindset.

You have to ask yourself even if Mr. Right came along are you actually ready to tie the knot?  Perhaps your life is so busy at the present time that it would actually be bad to meet Mr. Right in the near future because you would not have any time to develop a serious relationship.  Maybe there are things about being single that you actually like the fact that you can flirt with any guy at any time and indulge yourself any way you want for example.  Focus on where you are in your life right now and the positive things you have going on rather than your perception of what is missing.

You are probably already involved in the wedding planning somehow, maybe by organizing the bachelorette party.  If you are not consider doing something special for her that highlights your friendship , you may want to put up a website devoted to photos and funny captions of the two of you through the years.  Focusing your energy that way will distract you from dwelling on the negatives.

If you are helping to plan her wedding than that means you are probably good friends.  Suck it up and tell your friend how you feel, most people will understand those feelings and be supportive.  Tell here that you’ve been out of sorts since she first showed you her engagement rock, more than like she had already sensed your inner turmoil and may have been wondering how you felt.

Let her know that while you do not want to rain on her parade, her nuptials have left you a little wigged out and wondering if you’ll achieve the same bliss she’s found. Then, leave it at that. She’ll appreciate your honesty, without feeling like she has to make up for the fact that she’s getting hitched.  This will strengthen your bond and allow both of you to enjoy the wedding without negative feelings, unless of course your friend is bitter and curses you out for thinking such things.

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